Parents who are divorced or separated may face unique challenges when attempting to follow their custody agreements during the COVID pandemic. While keeping the same routine you had before the pandemic is best, issues of social distancing andconcerns about the health of yourkids may make this difficult. Debra Reicher, PhD, a child and adolescent psychologist and MariaHensley-Spera LCSW-R, a clinical social worker, both from Stony Brook Medicine, explain what you can do to make navigating these uncharted waters less stressful and more productive while keeping the peace.
Maybe you’re worried about the health and quarantine habits in your ex-spouse’s household. Or you and your ex are bickering over whose house provides a better chance of minimizing exposure to Covid-19 for your kids, and one of you is making a case for why the kids should go back and forth or stay put, sheltered in one home. (This may be a particularly powerful concern if an ex works in healthcare.) Whatever the triggers are, the physical and mental health and well-being of your children are paramount and communication between you and your ex is now more essential than ever.
Here are some tips to help you:
- Children will learn to cope with this pandemic as well as parents cope. Self-care and the health of each parent are essential. Follow all guidelines and be sure everyone else in your household does, too. Take care of your nutrition, sleep habits and try to get some exercise. Try to stay connected with your social circle via technology to reduce feelings of isolation. Meditate, practice mindfulness and do what you need to preserve your own physical and mental health.
- Communicate clearly with your ex. Children require a relationship with both parents and are likely to feel most secure if their regular routine is adhered to. Attempt to follow the custody agreement as closely as possible unless doing so poses a clear risk. For example, if one parent or household member is ill, your child must remain with the other. Similarly, if it’s not advised to travel to a densely populated area, avoid doing so. If one parent is bogged down with work, allow the other to increase childcare responsibilities.
- Present as a united front. This is a time of increased anxiety and effective co-parenting will help to ease that. If your parenting styles are different, this is a good time to set an example for your kids about the importance of problem solving through teamwork. Put the needs of your child first.
- Be creative and flexible. Some parents have even made the decision to temporarily shelter together if they have an amicable relationship. If it’s not possible for one parent to uphold the child custody agreement due to work and/or health and safety issues, arrange for your child to connect with your ex frequently via Zoom®, FaceTime® or another similar platform on a regular basis. There may be situations where children are split between homes or sheltering with a new spouse and their children. Again, safety, flexibility and putting the needs of your children first should always be the rule of thumb. Kids thrive when they have the love and support of both parents and see their parents work together peacefully for them.
- Be understanding about cash flow issues. Lost earnings from being laid off or furloughed may mean missed child support payments. Try to work with each other to come to a compromise for resolution. Understanding cash flow issues can go a long way to determine your future relationship with an ex.
- Know when to seek outside help. If the situation is impossible and you are unable to come to an agreement, contact a therapist and/or family law attorney to help you navigate the situation.
When a parent is an essential employee
For those working as essential employees, particularly in healthcare, communication and teamwork are especially important between parents and with children.
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- Children may worry about a parent who works in healthcare. Acknowledge the worry, but focus on the safety guidelines healthcare workers follow, rather than the risk. Encourage your kids to ask questions. Be honest about the seriousness of the pandemic but avoid making careless comments about the parent who may be at risk as an essential employee. Convey a sense of calm and safety.
- Work schedules may change unexpectedly; (i.e., a parent is unexpectedly called into work). It’s temporary, so make allowances. You and your ex can help make communication between your child and whichever one of you is working by establishing a scheduled communication time if necessary and possible. Giving your child free access to communication devices in this circumstance, can be calming for them.
- Working in healthcare shouldn’t be used as a reason in and of itself to restrict a child from seeing their parent. Be flexible in adapting a parenting plan that makes allowances for both of your work schedules. Agree to provide make up time if you or your ex misses out on seeing your child due to quarantine requirements or work needs.
- Be open with each other about exposure to COVID 19 and steps made to protect all. Challenges that arise during a public health crisis can become an opportunity for parents to strengthen their relationship for the sake of their children.